Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
