i permit you to call me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
