I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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