The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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