I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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