I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
