Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
