i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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