I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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