I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
