I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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