I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
