life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
