I hate your face
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
