I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
