She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He passed out mid-signature
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
