you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
