I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
