She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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