your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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