New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
