so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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