I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
