hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
