His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
