we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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