she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
