the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
