you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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