Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
