Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
