I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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