Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
