Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
