whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
