They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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