is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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