Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
