life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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