he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
