I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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