Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
