We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
