You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
