I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
