But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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