I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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