I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
