I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
