I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
