I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
