I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
